A great book for couples
This book is a great read for couples and single persons who wish to understand how the opposite sex thinks. I would describe this book as an intellectual version of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." The author uses great examples to illustrate her points and often employs role reversals to show how both sexes can approach problems from stereotyped points of view (i.e. both men and women can be insensitive). Well worth the money.
Interesting gender-based models of conversation (3.75*s)
The author, a sociolinguist, maintains that the importance of having successful conversations in all areas of our lives requires that we be aware of fundamental differences in the way in which men and women converse and relate. She admits that there is a certain amount of stereotyping in her arguments because numerous individuals, whether it be due to factors of class, ethnicity, intellect, age, economic standing, social position, psychological health, etc, do not conform to her gender-specific conversational models.
There is little doubt that communication styles are culturally learned, first within families and then from peer groups. She notes that children invariably play in same-sex groups and at a very early age begin to exhibit distinctly different communication styles along gender lines, which are reinforced and refined through adulthood.
The author's model for female conversation focuses on their desire to connect to other women in a mutually supportive manner essentially as equals, sharing intimate concerns, secrets, gossip, and the like. On the other hand, men eschew such closeness and seek to maintain their independence and status in a hierarchical world. Friendships for men are largely based on shared activities and oftentimes playful aggressiveness. For women, seeking help is a request for understanding and support, whereas for men, requesting or seeking help is played out on a scale of dominance and competence. To help is to give advice and enhance superiority, while the requestor's status falls. Women can see long-winded advice as non-supportive, while men typically don't see as helping lengthy discussions of feelings about troubles.
The author explores the issue of who talks more, women or men. Location is key. Women greatly prefer small, private settings where rapport can be established. It's hardly surprising that women are frequently the primary conversationalists in families, the ultimate private setting. However, men endeavor to enhance status outside the home, in public settings including the workplace, where impersonal information is the currency used. For women, the lack of intimacy in the public realm inhibits their preferred conversational mode. Conversely, men view the home as a place where status does not need to be constantly established and is a haven from unnecessary talking.
It is interesting that either men or women are often not viewed favorably when they dare to adopt the conversational style of the opposite gender. The female boss is probably the outstanding example. Men resent an aggressive female, when they are not in a position of being able to compete for dominance. On the other hand, many men dislike consensus-building approaches that require a lot of talk, especially of a personal nature.
Any model of complex human behavior will fall short, as the use of language most assuredly is. However, there usually is some truth in stereotypes and that is case with the author's gender-based conversational models. Undoubtedly men and women that rigidly conform to these models would have trouble communicating, as the book repeatedly captures. However, most people are more flexible; they subtly negotiate and adapt their interactions beyond these stereotypical models. The book is interesting and could be a wakeup call for those who are misreading their partners.
Great Ideas, Great Concept... Extremely Drawn Out.
Although filled with a wonderful examination of human/gender behavior and communication, the preface and first chapter could easily supplement the remaining portion of the book. Tannen is extremely repetitive in her ideas and her research, often veering into tangents obviously relatable to the main thesis of the book. A fascinating overview of relationships-- although only really evident in the first few dozen pages.
Don't buy into the bull
I love how psychologists like to explain behavior to people assuming that all men are alike and all women are alike which just isn't true. Don't buy this book and don't buy Men are From Venus by John Gray. Buy Socionics by Rod Novichkov, figure out what personality type you are and who your best match is then get that person in you life-only then will you see that communication problem has nothing to do with whether you're a woman or a man (another words, it's not your problem, it's that your relationship is THE problem).
Exceptionally Researched and Written!
I read this book several years ago and found it well researched, written and easy to understand.
Deborah Tannen is a linguist who clearly addresses how and why women and men communicate differently. She explains that women communicate primarily to establish connections and negotiate relationships while men talk as a primary means to preserve independence and to negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order. Tannen explains that although women also talk to preserve independence and achieve status, and men communicate to establish connections, it isn't the primary concern or focus of the majority of their conversations.
You Just Don't Understand helps a person to gain a better understanding of his or her own individual communication techniques. A well written, researched, insightful and informative book, You Just Don't Understand, presents the gender difference material in a clear, non-subjective and positive manner. This low-bias approach enhances the quality of the material significantly.
The author addresses a number of other issues besides gender differences that govern communication techniques. For example, boys and girls grow up in different worlds and this has a significant effect on how they communicate. Consequently, other issues besides gender differences need to be explored and understood to create an effective dialog between the sexes.
Understanding of linguistic differences promotes better relationships. I recommend this book for anyone interested in learning more about how men and women communicate.
The Re-Discovery of Common Sense: A Guide to: The Lost Art of Critical Thinking
